


A Fucking Disastrous Date

by derp2lol (Ihere)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dating, F/M, Post-Sburb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-13
Updated: 2011-11-02
Packaged: 2017-10-24 14:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/264458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ihere/pseuds/derp2lol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat finally goes on a date with the Jade human. Only everything can go wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

Karkat takes several deep breaths before he continues into the hive of Jade Harley. Before he knocks on her door, he curses his past self several times for asking her out on a “human date” as Egbert calls it. The game has been over for three years, and humans and trolls have learn to co-exist together. When Karkat had asked Jade out he was as sweaty and nervous as Equius, and Karkat couldn’t help to throw as many insults and fucks at her as he asked her out. Surprisingly enough, Jade accepted with a “Sure, oh and fuck you” smirking with her cute-ugly face.

Karkat pounded his fists to his head at Jade’s doorstep, hoping to gain some common sense on manners.

It does no good.

But what Karkat didn’t know is how excited Jade is for their date. She had been hoping that he would ask her out for quite some time. She also would have been surprised if he didn’t throw in a couple of fucks at her in the process. She has been preparing for this date the entire morning, constantly changing her outfits.

Now Jade is currently waiting at her front door for Karkat. So when Karkat was pounding his fist to his head, she immediately hears it and opens the door.

“. . . What are you doing, Karkat?”

Karkat slowly lifts his pounding fist from his head and sheepishly looks at Jade. “Uhh . . . is that how you’re going dressed like that?” Jade insulted, smacks Karkat’s head.

“Fuck you, I worked on this all day,” Jade couldn’t believe that Karkat would say something like that. Actually, Karkat isn’t good at charming, and thinks Jade looks amazing.

“Okay sorry,” Karkat muttered, “Can we just go now? I want to make it on time to the movie.”

Sighing, Jade answers, “Fine, but can you please try to cheer up a little?” She then uses her two index fingers to push up the side of Karkat’s mouth to make him smile. Karkat was too shocked to stop her, so he blushes until she puts her hands back down, a little embarrassed herself.

“Can . . .can we just go now?” Karkat mumbles with his blushing face. Jade sympathetically nods to bring up his spirits. And the odd pair goes off on their date.

Karkat had parked at the front of Jade’s hive (house), and he opens the passenger side door for Jade for the gentlemanly appeal.

She giggles, “Quite a gentleman, aren’t you Karkat?” He only responds with a grumble.

Karkat hates his car and his past self more for buying this piece of shit. He can’t believe that he thought he could be seen in this. His car has been falling apart ever since he bought it at the junkyard. He would have Equius fix it, but he can stand asking the guy with him sweating. Maybe after this date he will have to make an exception.

Once Jade was in his piece of shit car, he climbed in on the drivers’ side. He started the ignition with it stuttering.

“OH FUCK NO!” Karkat bellows. He pounds on the wheel, making the car honk, but creates no solution. Karkat face palms himself and groans. “I can’t believe this fucking shit! It has to happen now? DIDN’T IT?”

It wasn’t until Jade placed a hand on Karkat’s shoulder when he remembers that she is in the car.

“It’s okay Karkat, we can just walk. It’s not that far.” Karkat sighs in response, but he and Jade walk toward their first destination.

* * * * *

“Welp, I guess that we’re finally fucking here.”

“Calm down Karkat, let’s just eat.” Jade grabs Karkat’s arm and pulls him into the famous fast food chain restaurant.

Karkat actually hates this place, but it’s the only place that he can afford for what he’s worth. He’s lucky Jade loves this place.

He walks up to the troll at the counter, “Welcome to TrollDonalds, what are you going to order?” Karkat hates TrollDonalds, they have minimal respect for their customers, they serve shitty food, and they have the ugliest décor that he has ever seen. He wonders how Jade can like this place. Just because she has similar decorations in her room, she can’t cook shit, . . . and Jade is on a date with him. Well fuck, okay.

Jade orders first asking for some ridiculous troll-human food. Karkat just picks the cheapest thing that he doesn’t think will kill him.

They both end up waiting five awkward minutes until their food was ready.

Jade kindly finds a seat for both of them. “Well this is nice, isn’t it?” Jade weakly smiled. Karkat just returns the look.

His date pulls out the signature hoof-beast sandwich and starch sticks. Karkat looks at her food a little bit with envy, but he deals with it and pulls out his own meal.

“What the fuck happened?”

Jade looks up with her mouth full of food, “Hmm?”

“They gave me the wrong fucking order!” Karkat had lifted the bun from his sandwich and pointed to all the condiments that actually make him physically sick. “Fuckers can’t do anything right. I’ll be back in a sec. Jade.”

“But Kar-“ too late. Karkat was already storming off to the register.

He glares at the green-blooded troll, “Look asshole, I didn’t order this. So fucking fix it, or give me my money back!”

The troll scoffs at Karkat, and points to a sign below the register. “NO REFUNDS”

Karkat stares, “What do you mean no refunds? I didn’t fucking pay for this. I want my money back!” The green-blooded troll just shook his head.

If Jade hadn’t pulled Karkat back to their seat, then they probably would have been banned from that restaurant for trying to kill an employee.

“Karkat, it’s okay,” Jade reassures him. “Look, you can have some of my food.” She hands him part of her hoof-beast sandwich and fries.

He only returns the favor by staring at her offering. Karkat isn’t offered something so generous often. He graciously takes bits of fries, and mumbles on his part of the sandwich.


	2. Part 2

After their meal, Karkat and Jade leave the dreaded TrollDonalds, but not before Karkat flips off the employees.

They walk to the cheap movie theatre for their next destination. With Jade smiling full of sunshine, and Karkat growling like a caged bear.

Karkat attempting to be polite walks away from Jade to buy the tickets. After that, he found that Jade had bought a jumbo bowl of popcorn.

“Why did you buy so much fucking popcorn?”

Jade smiles, “Well, since we shared dinner, I thought we could share popcorn. You can’t go to a movie and not get popcorn!”

Karkat rolls his eyes, “All lies. Besides, that dinner was enough to satisfy me.” However, Karkat’s pride became pointless when his stomach slightly growled. “Fuck.”

“: ) Well, let’s just say that I’m hungry okay?” Jade shifts the popcorn to one side, and locks arms with Karkat using her other.

They got their seats in front of some asshole that couldn’t resist making obnoxious comments throughout the entire movie. Every time the asshole made a comment, Jade had to hold back Karkat making an attempted murder.

Karkat is excited to see this film because its and early release of his favorite human-ized actor, some guy called Adam Sandler. Karkat doesn’t think that he is as good as Troll Adam Sandler, but this human has some talent.

While watching the movie, Karkat finds some serious flaws; for example, NO FUCKING BLACK ROMANCES. There are so many obvious ones; they all act like it’s platonic. They are all obviously meant to be together! But nooo, they just can’t see it because they are all humans.

Karkat hates this fucking movie. OH and in a platonic way. Fucking human Adam Sandler.

But he deals with it because Jade seems really into it, and keeps on laughing at all the really stupid stuff that is really just plain stupid. Whatever, it is time for Karkat to make his move as the master of romantic clichés.

He has learned enough cliché moves from his favorite troll actors about how to impress a prospective matesprit to a point where he could pull out a bucket right now and Jade would be all over him. Screw that! Karkat’s just going to attempt a first base here.

Step one: pretend to be tired. Step two: yawn, act as tired as possible. Finally step three: place your arm around the unknowing matesprit. Fuck yes, it worked! Jade doesn’t even look fazed. Karkat can get any human lady with this technique. Thank you Troll Will Smith!

Jade even helps him out by giggling at some stupid shit, and curling up into his arm. “Score!” Karkat thinks to himself.

Popcorn is thrown at the back of Karkat’s head, “Hey assholes, I don’t need your romantic shit. Get a fucking room already.”

Karkat turns around, “FUCK YOU! I WILL DO WHATEVER I FUCKING WANT! DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?”

“Shh Karkat,” Jade whispers, “You’re going to get us in trouble.”

“Quiet Jade, I am defending our fucking honor.”

The human asshole behind them chucked more popcorn at him, “What honor? All I see is some slutty girl snuggling up to a nubby-horned troll. What did you pay her for this?”

Karkat growls, “OKAY FUCK-TARD, THAT’S IT!” Karkat attempted to leap from his seat, and he would have if Jade had not held him back with all of her might.

“Karkat noooo, you’re going to get us in trouble.”

It turned out to be too late because the movie theatre employee had already come to break up the fight. They said that the fight was disturbing the other movie-goers, and they had asked that Karkat and Jade leave immediately.

“What about this asshole,” Karkat says indicating the asshole.

“From what he said, you started the fight. Now leave.”

“What . . . the . . . fu-“

“Come on Karkat, let’s leave the nice man alone.” Jade drags Karkat away from the movie theatre, and on their way home.

“Well this turned out to be a fucking disaster,” Karkat thought. “Everything is fucking ruined. I have to fix this somehow.”

“I can’t believe those guys,” he starts. “They are both probably racist to like trolls or something.”

Jade sighs, “You shouldn’t let those guys get to you. It doesn’t help your stress level.”

“We are so not talking about my stress level right now, are we?”

Jade said that they weren’t and the couple continues on their walk back to Jade’s hive/house.

“Well Karkat,” Jade starts when they reached her front door, “despite what you may think, I had a nice evening.” She then proceeds to peck Karkat’s lips, and head inside.

“Oh, and one more thing,” she said before closing the door,” be sure to troll me on pesterlog later. There is a new movie with Troll Will Smith that I think you will like. Bye fuckass.”

And with that final note, she closes the door.

Karkat reflects on the shitty date he just went on with Jade, and can’t believe that she would tolerate another one.

He stands there for a few more seconds before returning to his own hive. “I guess this is a first time where my past self didn’t fuck up as much as I thought he would."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you think this sucked. Kinda wish the ending could have gone better, but I couldn't think of a better way.

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing a Homestuck fic. Hope I got the characters right.


End file.
